Pitter Patter
Please scroll to the end to find a full list of content warnings for this piece.
The pitter-patter kept me up all night.
It was a disgusting, excruciating sound. I plugged my ears, stuffed a pillow over my head, and prayed it would go away. I squirmed when I felt a tickle on my arm, terrified it was not a breath of wind, but two antennae brushing against my hair. I lay awake all night in frozen fear.
My house was infested with tiny creatures.
I booked an appointment first thing the next morning. The exterminator apologized, told me that he was afraid he was all booked up today, but he could come tomorrow. I doubted his fear could match mine. He can't understand what it's like to hear a hundred tiny creatures crawl through the wall and infest your mind. All I could hear was their pitter-patter.
So I paced. By the day of the appointment, I was used to the pitter-patter above me and didn't need to hide from it. A new sound had joined the chorus too; tumbling and twisting, bumbling and battering. The sounds of construction. These sounds piqued my curiosity. Infestations often lead to strange noises, but rarely any as complex as these. They sounded almost human.
I glanced at the clock. It was now barely past noon—the exterminator wouldn't be here for almost six more hours. I clicked my tongue in annoyance as I listened to the noises above me. Why must the creatures be so mysterious? I remembered being a child and finding creatures swarming our butter but I never felt anything but morbid horror at their presence. The creatures in my attic had produced a similar feeling at first, yet I could slowly feel curiosity overcoming my terror. I wanted to know how they made those noises in the attic.
Filled with resolute determination, I stepped into my hallway and pulled on the latch above me. A ladder descended, creaky and unstable. The tumbling above me grew louder. Taking a deep breath, I put one foot on the ladder and began my slow climb up the stairs.
I gasped.
A grand tower rose halfway to the roof. Surrounding it was a city, three paths leading out from the center and looping around in beautiful formations. Crude houses of dust and splinters lined the paths and, inside each of them, small creatures peeked out of windows. One creature pushed a wagon down a path, wheel tumbling over splintered wood and old children’s toys. A smaller version of itself rode inside its wagon. It stopped abruptly when it saw me.
I stared at the scene with wide eyes, breathless. It was marvelous.
Within seconds, the creatures' army had swarmed me. They surrounded me with crude weapons fastened of push pins and stray screws—no doubt, junk I had dropped and never bothered to pick up, a cruel punishment for my littering. I surrendered with my hands up. But the army was not who would dish out retribution; instead, they cleared the way for one who had stepped out from the tower. This creature looked nearly the same as all of the others, with its dark brown exoskeleton and long, jagged limbs. The key difference lay in the white hat atop his head, fastened from torn tissue. He was the only creature with such an accessory.
He was their leader, I realized suddenly. That tissue hat was a crown.
In a moment of clarity, I saw the severity of the situation. My house was not infested with pests, as I had originally thought, but instead had become the home to a brand new civilization. This was a society of intelligent beings.
I knew instantly what I had to do.
I ducked my head and jumped down the ladder, hurrying towards my kitchen. I heard the panicked pitter-patter of feet and winced, knowing they must be fearing I was searching for a weapon of my own. But that wasn't so! I stopped in front of my cabinet and took what I needed, then spun around to rush back up to my attic.
I saw their leader conversing worriedly with his subjects, and I gently cleared my throat. Within seconds, all eyes were on me, and I cautiously set three crackers on the ground in front of them. The creatures scurried over to the offering and examined the food. They then lowered their weapons, satisfied it was safe, and began to distribute the food amongst their people. How efficient they were! Soon, only one piece was left, and this was given to their king. He held his piece between two limbs, antenna twitching in thought, and then slowly approached me. He set the cracker in front of me and bowed.
I could hardly believe the respect with which he was treating me, and I politely bowed back. I took the cracker crumb and placed it on my tongue. Thus, the peace offering was accepted.
And I smiled at my new allies.
***
“We haven't seen you around much. Are you okay alone at home?”
I had declined the last three times my sister had invited me over to her house, and had realized at last that declining a fourth time would make her suspicious. Before I met my new friends, I had come to see her and my brother weekly. It was too strange to stop visiting them all of a sudden. This was why I sat with them now.
“I'm perfectly fine. I've just been tired.”
My brother frowned. He asked if I was sure, and I bristled. He's always enjoyed sticking his head in places it doesn't belong. This is precisely the reason I've been pushing him away, which he seemed to have caught onto. He exchanged glances with my sister. My pretty, perfect sister, who'd been like a mother to us ever since our own passed. She also adored invading people's business, but her motivation came from a different route: while my brother was happy being the annoying youngest sibling, my sister was content to be the protective eldest one.
Both were deep in my business. Far, far too deep.
“We just want to make sure you're alright, that's all,” My sister said, trying to convince me her nosiness had its reasons. “We've been worried about you since... you know, you lost him.”
I didn't know what she meant, but I didn't ask her to elaborate. I mindlessly picked at the seam of a couch cushion. I just wanted to be back home, talking to my friends. I still remembered when I called the exterminator to cancel the appointment I’d made, telling him I no longer needed his services. He asked why, told me infestations don’t go away on their own. I told him mine had.
My sister set her hand on my arm. “We know you blamed yourself… but you know it’s not your fault, right?”
“Do you need to talk?” My brother asked, “We’re your family. You can tell us anything.”
I couldn't tell them everything, not like I could my new allies. It'd only been a month, but the beings in my attic had become my greatest friends, their king my greatest confidant. He listened to me when I was mad, comforted me when I was sad. There was no one I trusted more. And this wasn't a one-sided relationship either—he trusted me just as much! I had given his people food and resources, and because of me, their city had grown greatly. I had given him a tissue cape to match his crown. I allowed his people to travel below the attic. What kind of friend would I be if I kept them locked up? I signed a decree with the king which allowed them to venture into my territory, just as I did theirs. I sometimes saw them in the kitchen at night, scurrying across my counter in search of nourishment, usually eating from old baby food containers I left out. I no longer minded them; their pitter-pattering comforted me.
They comforted me, but my siblings did not.
So I told them I had to leave. My siblings asked me to stay longer, but I left without replying. I just wanted to watch my kingdom grow.
***
“They won't stop calling me. I don't know how to tell them to leave me alone.”
I lay on the floor in my attic, the king snacking on some crackers beside me as we watched his people work on their tower. He was a good listener.
“They keep saying they're worried about me,” I said, “but I don't know why. Is it so weird to want to be left alone?”
The king chirped. I couldn't understand him, but I knew he agreed with me. I sighed.
“I think they're messing with my head. They keep saying I've been different since losing someone, but I don't remember losing anyone. But now I'm having nightmares every night. I see this child... I don't even know who he is, but I'm watching him die in front of me.”
The king hissed angrily. I told him that I didn't know why my siblings would try to put something like that in my head. I didn't know what I had done to deserve that kind of treatment.
“They're coming over tomorrow. I couldn't convince them not to.” I looked over at the king carefully, furrowing my brows. “I have to keep the lights on to keep your subjects from roaming the house. But just for a day—just so I can clean up the shedding and droppings they left around the house. I don't mind it, really, but I can't let my siblings see it. They won't understand.”
The king chirped and I thanked him for understanding. He truly was a wonderful friend.
***
My sister hugged me, my brother slapped my back. They both welcomed themselves into my home. I forced a smile. I would've much rather spent the day with the king and his subjects.
“You look well,”my sister told me, and my fake smile dropped for a genuine grin. I had taken time to put myself together today so they would approve. It seemed I had succeeded. But then my brother's nose crumpled up. He plugged his nostrils and waved the air around him.
“What's that smell?”
I froze, and my sister sniffed the air, only to suddenly cover her face and wince. Panic swirled in my chest, bile rising and burning the back of my throat. How could I have forgotten about smells? I knew my friends must have had an odor, but I had lived with them for so long I didn't notice it anymore. Of course, they could smell it.
“Oh god, it stinks…” My sister mumbled, and my brother's eyes widened.
“I know this smell. My boyfriend's place got infested with roaches a few months back, and it smelled exactly like this. I think—”
“I'm tired!” I cut off my brother before he could even finish that thought. This was too much, this was too close. “I need you guys to leave. I want to sleep.”
My siblings ignored me. They began to search my house, checking under cushions and examining corners. They investigated closets with boxes full of children’s clothes I couldn’t remember ever putting there. Sweat dripped down my forehead, my legs shook with fear. I needed to warn the king before it was too late.
But then my sister was walking down the hallway. She hooked her finger on the latch above, and I called to her and demanded she get away from there. My sister met my eyes, narrowing her brow in concern. She tugged harder, and pulled the ladder from above.
No! She couldn't have found them this fast!
I rushed towards her. I didn't know if I planned to tackle her or beg on my knees, but it didn't matter—my brother caught me in his arms. I struggled, but he wouldn't let go.
“You can't go up there!”I screamed, tears welling up in my eyes. My brother nodded once to my sister. She continued to climb up the stairs. I fell limp in my brother's arms. It was too late.
My sister screamed.
***
The king came down to visit me on the couch that night, and I was thankful; I was emotionally exhausted. I didn't think I could make the climb up to the attic. He chirped and hissed, crawling over my leg from one side of the couch to the other. I was pretty sure he wanted to know what had happened today.
“A lot,” I told him, chuckling. “My sister reacted as I expected. She wanted to call an exterminator, and my brother had his phone out by the time I kicked them out. I'm glad I didn’t move in with them like they wanted me to. I still have the power to kick them out.”
The king nestled into the couch cushion to my right, tissue crown still tall on his head. I sighed.
“I'm still mad at my sister, but my brother called me a little bit ago. He said he was sorry. He wants to get to know you guys! I was so happy. He's actually going to try to understand.”
The king looked at me, tilting his head.
“Don't worry,”I told him. “I'll be careful. I'll only let him meet you guys if he's truly changed. I'm going to meet him for coffee tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.”
The king wasn't responding now, and I distantly wondered if he was asleep. He had the right idea, and I fell asleep beside him a few minutes later. It was the best sleep I had in a long time.
The next day, I got ready and headed out to the cafe. I took a seat near a window and waited for him. He showed up soon after. I wasted no time in telling him all I knew about my friends.
“They all have families. They're so sweet, walking around with their children. The kids like to go on wagon rides, you know.”I smiled.
“Like Xavier used to?” My brother asked. I ignored him and continued.
An hour passed. He asked a few questions about my friends, but I could now see the disgust on his face at my replies. He was always a horrible liar, my brother. I knew now he had never truly been trying to understand. I stood up to leave.
He caught me by the wrist. “Please, stay. I'm trying to understand.”
“Then come back with me,” I said, “Come see their tower.”
He glanced at his watch and told me he still had some questions first, but I was suspicious. Why was he checking the time? Why was he so desperate for me to stay?
Then the truth hit me.
I flew from my seat and sped to my car, ignoring my brother's shouts behind me. I slammed on the gas and hurried home. Please don't let it be too late. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled into my driveway. As I jumped out of the car, I locked eyes with the man getting back into his truck. I froze. The man shook his head.
“I told you infestations don't go away on their own.”
My brother's car pulled in behind me. My sister was standing in the doorway, and I locked eyes with her. I demanded to know what she had done. But she didn't have to answer; the house was silent, and no matter how hard I listened, I could no longer hear any pitter-pattering. My friends were gone.
I collapsed to the ground and sobbed.
***
I see a doctor twice weekly now. She gives me pills I hate, but I take them since my siblings asked me to. They insist they care about me, but I don’t believe them. They just talk about people I don't remember and put me in front of doctors who don’t know me. No one knows me.
I sat down on my couch, a sigh escaping my lips. I was all alone. My brother sprayed something in the attic last week to keep any new nations from taking over, and I supposed that was alright. I don’t want new friends anyways. I leaned back and stared at the wall in front of me. I glanced down at the table, seeing nothing but a tissue box.
I sat up straight. I had an idea.
I snatched a tissue from the box, fingers working quickly, tearing and bending and wrapping. The tissue was easy to work with, soft and flexible and willing to understand my goals. I smiled when I finished, and I stared proudly at my work.
A crown of tissue.
It looked just like the one the king wore. A tear welled up in my eye, and I brushed it away. He may have been gone, but he and his people deserved to be remembered forever. They were a great and noble nation. Remembrance was the least I could give them.
So I placed the tissue crown on my head. I sighed, smiled, and settled back, and listened to the pitter-patter in my mind. I wouldn't forget it. I wouldn't forget the pitter-patter.
I would never forget someone I'd lost.
Content warnings:
bugs, pest infestations, forced medication, implied hallucinations & severe mental health crises, implied/referenced death of a child, unreliable narrator